MI6 says entire world is threatened by this latest Russian ‘provocation’. A periscope, reported by knowledgeable American tourists as “definitely” that of a Russian submarine, was spotted outside Parliament, and under the Vauxhall Bridge, outside MI6 Headquarters. NATO immediately proposed a massive sale of battleships to Czech Republic, Austria, Slovakia, Moldova, Switzerland, and Lichtenstein. “All the rivers of Europe are now vulnerable to the Russian war machine” says NATO SACEUR, General Philip Breedlove.
Vice President Joe Biden, immediately cancelled his visit to Ukraine, where he was scheduled to dedicate a cocaine addiction clinic, named after his son, Hunter. Victoria Nuland, one of the tourists on Vauxhall Bridge, said she was “just sitting on the bridge, sharing some cookies with passersby”, when she noticed the curved-necked shaped object, “moving deliberately and aggressively in the water. At first I thought it may be the Loch Ness Monster,” she enthused. “But then I asked a man with a kilt if the Thames flowed into Loch Ness. When he panicked and shouted, “I cannae believe it, ya fat cow.” I knew then, it could only be a Russian Sub invading the UK.”
“I immediately called President Obama, and related the sighting, but he kept asking if St Andrew’s was a good place to make a speech from. He became very excited about talking with David Cameron about making all new NATO submarines shaped like Nessie, so they would be undetectable and stealthy. He described a new strategic initiative based on dinosaur-themed military bases to avoid both detection, and criticism of American military expansion.”
John McCain called for an immediate retrofit of all submarines with the Nessie stealth shape, and for immediate delivery to the Middle East and Central Asia, “where the historical lack of water, makes such sea monsters a rare occurrence, as in my home state of Arizona. A dinosaur Theme Park adjacent to each base, would provide additional cover for any Rapid Response forces, and admissions receipts from the tourist side could pay for additional munitions, while offsetting some of the IMF interest on their defense debt.”
When asked for comment, UK PM David Cameron, said he felt morally obligated to consult with the Monarchy before discussing any dinosaur-related strategic defense issues.
Meanwhile, in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin said NATO’s latest accusation was ridiculous, but it had “buoyed” his spirits.
~ Daniel ODonoju
Barack Obama Now Expects His Ego to Avoid Disaster
Unfortunately, the same incredible determination that allowed John McCain to survive NVN captivity, is not serving him well now. As a former pilot, he still thinks he can solve ANY international problem with bombing people in countries who are mere pawns in superpower geo-politics. He is as “certain” as Kerry about the good democratic intentions of a few paid Qatari mercenaries who think they can run a country better than Assad. They can’t.
“I know these people” McCain says… HOW? After a nice arranged chat one weekend where people with ulterior motives tell you stuff you want to hear? Show you how they can raise their arms and shoot AK-47s over a wall at a target they can’t see? Does he know that these “nationalist patriots” are paid by Qatar and Saudi Arabia to CREATE this phony civil war? Was that not in the briefing memo? HOW and WHY and FROM WHOM do a band of rebels get access to major military weaponry? The Idaho Militia can’t get that much weaponry.
According to Kerry, “WE KNOW Assad did it” and “We have no subsequent role.” Really? You REALLY think the American people, and the world are that gullible? Even McCain and armchair warrior Lindsey Graham say we HAVE TO remove Assad. So, Mr. Secretary, Which is it? Plan A or, you’re LYING about the plan? They are either blatant liars, or senile if they believe it themselves. Either way, enough is enough of their useless posturing “humanitarian strategy.”
Obama is either the biggest Trojan Horse in American history, or the biggest patsy. His lack of experience, qualifications for the job, and leadership become more apparent each month, and, finally, may make America question how he really ever got to be amateur President, and who arranged it?
[This is being written PRIOR to the congressional vote on authorization to use military force in Syria.]
At this moment, Obama and Kerry are promoting passage of the resolution. There is still time for Obama to hold true to the “principles” he espoused while a Senator and a candidate. So far, he has repudiated them so completely, it appears either he HAS no principles, or he lied about them to get elected. Maybe he has made an incredibly astute political maneuver to AVOID the shadow government’s manipulation of him. However, whether Pawn or Provocateur doesn’t really matter now. McCain and Kerry are selling; whether Obama buys, against his stated better judgement, will determine the balance of America’s 21st century.
Will that future include expecting the following ‘specific limited objectives’? (subject to future DOS, DOD, OMB revision)
The 2013 America’s Humanitarian Crusade & Military Tour – Syria Venue
Step 1: “We will bomb pre-announced CW-capable targets with cruise missiles, without civilian casualties, economic ruin or refugee displacement. There will be no regional consequences, nor risk of escalation or expansion outside Syria. We will then go back to business as usual, and focus on national priorities, like increasing our debt. Regarding replacement of the cruise missiles we will have launched, we have exempted from the sequestration restrictions any expenses we may indefinitely incur during this operation, because Qatar and Saudi Arabia have graciously offered to reimburse the US for all expenses related to the overthrow of Assad (which may inadvertently occur during the execution of our humanitarian mission.) Their altruistic and eleemosynary participation in this
crusadeeffort is admirable.
Step 2: “We intend to leave Assad in power with 250,000 kg of randomly dispersed CW, to which we are committed to deny access by the regime, and/or discourage Assad from using again…. in order to be accessible to and protected by one or more of the rebel groups…. Al Queda??? The “nationalist rebels” from Turkey, Hezbollah, Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, & Afghanistan??? We have not yet decided which rebel leader we will install as the new democratically elected president of the free Syrian Hezbollah Islamic Triumvirate (S.H.I.T.) government. We will study that and report back to Congress, in executive seSSion within the 90 day non-war schedule.”
Step 3: (with appropriate bewildered reluctance and humility)
“Well, we better go in with boots on the ground after all… WE COULDN”T (Didn’t? Refused to?) ANTICIPATE that our arrogant morality policing could make matters worse, because after all, WE’RE AMERICA, and I’M OBAMA . ‘I said, once we started this we would need to finish it, so America and our troops need to back me up so ‘the presidency’ doesn’t lose face.’
Unfortunately, some of our naval ships used in our cruise missile non-war punishment exercise have been attacked WITHOUT PROVOCATION, which obviously demands a measured, augmented retaliatory response, or we will look weak. We have not been able to confirm the identity of the perpetrators as either Syrian regime or one of the rebel groups we have been supplying weapons to, but have HIGH CONFIDENCE that WE KNOW from RELIABLE INTELLIGENCE provided from NSA sigintel intercepted from a cell phone in a regime-supported brothel in a suburb of Damascus, that it was Assad. That we know that we know is certain, and we will bring them to justice… when we know what and who.
We have NO doubt that this will CONTINUE to be a limited engagement, no matter how long it takes, and that the American people will always SUPPORT THE TROOPS.”
[Proceed to MSNBC Photo Op and private pre-set Q & A, with Reading-Head-of-the-Month]
“Since our ONLY objective has always been protecting the Syrian PEOPLE from more gas attacks, our original NON-EXISTENT PLAN B has now evolved, based on conditions on the ground. Therefore, acting within the authority of the War Powers Act and Congressional authorization, we have put an additional 75,000 of our soldiers, on leave from Afghanistan and Pakistan, into selected Green Zones inside Syria, so THEY will be exposed to the CW rocket attacks, instead of Syrian women and children (depending on the wind), regardless of which rebel faction is currently in possession of these horrific weapons, which we expect to determine soon.
In fact, we can assure the American People that, by identifying from which direction our troops are attacked with these munitions, we will be in a better position to find and confiscate them. This accomplishes the main objectives we originally set forth in seeking Congressional approval for this historic humanitarian crusade, seventeen years ago.
We have also ensured the provisional government that dollar-denominated IMF loans will be made available for economic revitalization projects, including construction of a new regional LNG pipeline, in cooperation with our Saudi and Qatari partners. Several of our most experienced engineering firms, like Halliburton, will be dedicated to rebuilding a vibrant Syria, especially for those few remaining native Syrians still alive, who have been living in refugee camps in so many other countries. We owe it to them to build the best pipeline in the world. Under joint American/UK /JPM/Goldman-Sachs supervision, we will guarantee that.”
…These are venal politicians with an agenda. The enthusiasm they are bringing to their false moral crusade is scary, and MORE THAN a little mentally unbalanced. I don’t see that same enthusiasm from the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. Maybe he can convince these amateurs to stand down, from an ill-advised suicide mission for the military and the American People. If the government ( I Do not use the word ‘we’ or ‘America’ here) …If the government proceeds further, then it is time to review the impeachment clauses in the Constitution.
Any member of Congress who votes yes.
Certainly Obama, Biden, Boehner, Pelosi AND Kerry, especially if Obama goes AGAINST the will of Congress (an issue unto itself).
Avoiding the frightening potential for misuse of the Presidential Succession with a sliding scale of available mediocrity is essential for any hope of restoration of rational American foreign policy.
So…. who is Secretary of Agriculture?