MI6 says entire world is threatened by this latest Russian ‘provocation’. A periscope, reported by knowledgeable American tourists as “definitely” that of a Russian submarine, was spotted outside Parliament, and under the Vauxhall Bridge, outside MI6 Headquarters. NATO immediately proposed a massive sale of battleships to Czech Republic, Austria, Slovakia, Moldova, Switzerland, and Lichtenstein. “All the rivers of Europe are now vulnerable to the Russian war machine” says NATO SACEUR, General Philip Breedlove.
Vice President Joe Biden, immediately cancelled his visit to Ukraine, where he was scheduled to dedicate a cocaine addiction clinic, named after his son, Hunter. Victoria Nuland, one of the tourists on Vauxhall Bridge, said she was “just sitting on the bridge, sharing some cookies with passersby”, when she noticed the curved-necked shaped object, “moving deliberately and aggressively in the water. At first I thought it may be the Loch Ness Monster,” she enthused. “But then I asked a man with a kilt if the Thames flowed into Loch Ness. When he panicked and shouted, “I cannae believe it, ya fat cow.” I knew then, it could only be a Russian Sub invading the UK.”
“I immediately called President Obama, and related the sighting, but he kept asking if St Andrew’s was a good place to make a speech from. He became very excited about talking with David Cameron about making all new NATO submarines shaped like Nessie, so they would be undetectable and stealthy. He described a new strategic initiative based on dinosaur-themed military bases to avoid both detection, and criticism of American military expansion.”
John McCain called for an immediate retrofit of all submarines with the Nessie stealth shape, and for immediate delivery to the Middle East and Central Asia, “where the historical lack of water, makes such sea monsters a rare occurrence, as in my home state of Arizona. A dinosaur Theme Park adjacent to each base, would provide additional cover for any Rapid Response forces, and admissions receipts from the tourist side could pay for additional munitions, while offsetting some of the IMF interest on their defense debt.”
When asked for comment, UK PM David Cameron, said he felt morally obligated to consult with the Monarchy before discussing any dinosaur-related strategic defense issues.
Meanwhile, in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin said NATO’s latest accusation was ridiculous, but it had “buoyed” his spirits.
~ Daniel ODonoju